Dear Friends,
Continued thanks to all who've been kvelling with me about my engagement to Sherri.
I am definitely a lucky man, and I count my blessings every day that I have the opportunity to grow with her in the years ahead.
I had lunch with a friend yesterday. As I left, a, member of the Jewish community stopped me to talk. We exchanged pleasantries, and he said he was happy to see that I'd gotten my life back together. I've been ruminating on his comment ever since.
On the one hand, I know he was happy for me that I'm getting married again.
On the other hand, I couldn't help but hear in his comment that he was saying that single people are inherently broken without a partner.
I've heard various derivations of this remark over the years and find it incredibly patronizing.
It is true that Judaism encourages us to be in loving partnerships. It's also true that many Jews who are single have a very difficult time staying involved in the Jewish world, as too often people want to spend all their time trying to set them up on dates, forgetting that there is more to life than just dating.
Please don't misunderstand me - I am thrilled to be getting married and can hardly wait until it happens. At the same time, I think I was doing okay on my own. Being single didn't make me fundamentally flawed. Some people choose to be single. Some people are widowed. Some people are divorced and don't want or aren't ready to try love again.
All are special and holy and fine just as they are!
I know plenty of people who are married and miserable. I know singles who are happy as can be.
Stereotyping because of relationship status seems just as damaging to me as labeling others based on religion, sex, gender, or anything else.
I think the typical "American Dream" story for men is a good career with status, prestige, and wealth, with a loving wife, two or three kids, and a dog. I have nothing against that image (and hope to have kids, and maybe even a dog someday). My issue is that that image only works for some people. I don't need that image to come true in order to be successful as an American man. I need to be the best version of myself I can be, and that will be enough.
I think I was also struck by the idea that with a new woman by my side, my life was back together, as if that's all it takes and as if I can now die a happy man. The truth is, we are always on the way to somewhere, there are always new visions and dreams to pursue. It's nice to look back and celebrate accomplishments, and it's nice to meet goals. When I meet a goal, I don't stop too long to admire it - I keep setting new goals to keep me motivated.
It's possible I'm overthinking his remark. I don't hold any ill will towards him.
I just think we do ourselves a disservice when we pigeonhole people into certain roles and categories. I believe that we are called to see the fullness and messiness of people's lives.
My love life is certainly heading in a wonderful direction. the rest of me, as always, is still a work in progress!
When I was a kid, I remember going for long car rides with my family.
I and my siblings would inevitable ask: are we almost there yet?
Even then, I was in a rush to get there.
Looking back, I would tell my younger self to enjoy the journey. We are always almost there yet, and the best place to be is fully present, exactly where we are.
Too often in religious life we wonder the same thing - when will I know God? When will I have the peak experience I've been seeking?
In his book On Judaism, Martin Buber wrote that "we ought to understand that to 'realize God' means to prepare the world for God, as a place of His reality - to help the world become God-real; it means, in other and sacred words, to make reality one. This is our service in the Kingdom's becoming."
Let us enjoy the journey of life, my friends.
Are we almost there yet?
Absolutely. We are almost there. And also fully here.
Which means we are in exactly the right place.
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Ilan
