Dear Friends,
It's not my fault. I didn't mean to do it. Why should I have to apologize when it was an accident?
How many of you have heard or said these words every now and then?
Why do we do that? Why do we deflect responsibility for our actions? Why do we run from apologies as if they are the plague?
I've been thinking about these questions of late, for a few reasons.
First, as some of you heard in shul last Shabbat morning, I recently accompanied four of our teens to Houston to compete in a mock trial competition.We were studying Jewish law about driverless cars, and what happens when one swerves into another car in order to avoid hitting a pedestrian. Who should pay for the medical bills of the injured driver? Who bears responsibility and liability for their suffering?Should the passenger of the driverless car have to pay for the damage her car caused, even though she herself wasn't "driving" it?
In the case, the pedestrian disappeared and couldn't be found. Our teens found that the pedestrian was at fault, and that the driver of the driverless car still must take responsibility for the actions of her vehicle. As a side note, it was interesting that some of the other teams ruled differently than ours did, and said that the company who made the driverless cars must take responsibility and pay for the injured party's medical bills and damages. I may be a tad biased, but I think our team was the best...
Second reason why I've been thinking about responsibility is that I've been following the advice of some of my teachers and mentors and making a concerted effort to reach out to people who I feel I may have harmed in some way or with whom I feel there is unfinished relationship business to address. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has had relationships that didn't end as well as i'd hoped, and that includes not just romantic relationships but friends, family, colleagues, and acquaintances from different parts of life. The more I've learned about forgiveness and life itself, the more I've realized that carrying the weight of those unfinished relationships is more of a burden than I want to have. How many times have I said "Oh, I'll deal with that someday?" As it turns out, someday is often too far away, and the time is always right for healing. According to my spreadsheet, I've now had 18 conversations where I've reached out to people to address some lingering work that needed to be addressed. I've apologized for my role in creating any pain they may have experienced, I've mentioned specific situations where my behavior could've been better or where I feel like I wasn't my best self, and asked their forgiveness, and also thanked them for what I've learned from them.
All eighteen conversations have been helpful, and lead to healing and clearing away some unneeded shmutz. In some cases, the people I reached out to told me I had nothing to apologize for. Some people wondered why I was still even thinking about something that happened so long ago. A few people just listened. Several told me that yes, I was a jerk to them, and they appreciated my finally saying so now, as it validated their experience. In all cases, they were glad I reached out. For more than a few, our conversation allowed both of us to let go of lingering resentments and hurt feelings. God-willing, that will be the case for the rest of the people on my list as well (including a few of you reading this - lord knows I've made a few mistakes during my time at Beth Sholom, and I will definitely be addressing a few of you before I leave, and if you feel a conversation would be helpful either because you said or did something you didn't mean to say, or because I did or said something that was hurtful, please let me know).
Arranging and having all these conversations has certainly taken a fair amount of time. In a few cases, I didn't even know how to find people and had to search for them online, which wasn't always easy. Nevertheless, I'm grateful to be doing this. I feel lighter than before I started having these conversations, and it's always nice to lay down burdens that I don't need by my side anymore.
The third reason I've been thinking about this is because our Torah reading this week, and for much of the Book of Leviticus, is all about sacrifices. Of course, there were sacrifices of thanksgiving, and there were sacrifices to atone for our deeds, whether intentional or not. Torah seems clear that sacrifices won't address interpersonal shmutz - if I hurt someone, it's my responsibility to address it and clean it up. Giving to God won't do that (although God is on my list of apologies I need to offer. How many times have I gotten mad at God for something not going how I wanted it to? Seems clear it's time to focus less on my plans and more on what plans God has in store for me. I think we'd all do better if we did that. In any event, I haven't quite decided how the conversation with God will go. One of my mentors said that conversation may be the easiest one yet, and all I need to do is open my heart and talk. That I can do....).
Finally, as you've undoubtedly noticed, Pesach is coming. Our tradition invites us to engage in a form of spring cleaning, getting rid of our chametz, our leavened goods. Some teachers say that chametz is also about getting rid of places where we've become arrogant, where we've puffed ourselves up unnecessarily. These 18 conversations have allowed me to address some of my inner chametz.
I don't think it's an accident that Pesach is six months from Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, when we also spend time engaging in forgiveness and repentance work. Unless you're a saint, you probably have had some experiences in the last six months which didn't go as you planned, and for which you may wish to address and heal.
However, doing this work means you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable, and humble enough to admit your mistakes.In the world today, more and more people seem to refuse to show their weaknesses in public, and put on false masks of pride and arrogance. Purim invited us to examine our masks. Passover invites us to see that the identities we wear may also keep us enslaved to burdens which don't serve us.
So many people refuse to apologize as they see it as a sign of weakness, an admission of guilt. I see it as a sign of strength. Having the courage to be vulnerable with others allows me to no longer be run by guilty feelings.
Forgiveness work has side benefits too. My allergies have gotten better, I sleep better, and I'm able to be more present with others when I'm not thinking about past mistakes. Most importantly, this work keeps me humble, and leads me closer to who I want to be. I always strive to recognize my impact on others. That doesn't mean that I shouldn't live my life how I want to, it just means that I must address in a healthy way any consequences that come from it.
For me, forgiveness work brings a greater sense of inner peace, which can't be found in a movie, song, bag of chips, or any other way I might distract myself from myself. There's a proverb which states that if there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can do us no harm. For those of us who grew up in dysfunctional environments, learning that we're not the enemy makes a world of difference. Pain, sadness, fear, anger and another negative qualities are the enemy. We are children of God, deserving of just as much beauty, hope, peace, and love as everyone else.
I want to bless us all with the courage to take a step towards forgiveness today, of letting go of past negativity, of deciding that today is a good day to start making healthier choices. Who can you call or email to set up a time to meet? I'd be willing to bet that more often than not, they'll be glad you took the first step in reaching out to them, as they've probably been feeling bad about it too.
As we continue to do the work, may we all be blessed with a sense of inner peace, and a knowing that each of us has great power to affect the lives of others. May we use it well.
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Ilan
PS Hope to see you tomorrow morning at 745 am! We'll be serving as a water station for the Youth Villages 5K race. We're happy to do a shul-mitzvah, and it's always a fun morning together. You may certainly come dressed casually - costumes and funny hats welcome too (not required). The race starts just after 8, and we'll hand out water and energy drinks and cheer on the runners as they come by. Whenever we're finished, we'll head inside for an abbreviated service before kids lunch. I hope you can join us. There will be no Starbucks Shabbat - we apologize for the error.
PPS I hope to have Passover service times and the Sale of Chametz forms to you shortly. In the meantime, the Conservative movement's guide to Passover preparation can be found here:
www.rabbinicalassembly.org/pesah-guide Happy Cleaning!
