Dear Friends,
It's been a rough few weeks for our community.
The losses of Herb Notowich, Art Wolff, Barry Finkelstein, Laverne Struminger, and Bob Bernstein have led more than a few of you to write me and say "Enough! No more..."
I share your frustrations. As a rabbi, I'm well aware of the toll that mourning and sadness takes on people. It's not easy to say goodbye to so many people all at once. It can feel overwhelming. We don't even have a chance to fully process each loss when they all come so close together. Many people can develop compassion-fatigue - being fully present for others does affect us. We give and we give and we give some more, and then we can reach a point where there's nothing left to give.
Some of you have asked me how I'm doing with all of these funerals and deaths in our midst. I appreciate your asking. It's sometimes not easy for me to hold it all either. I'm okay though. It's an honor for me to be of service, even when it's hard to keep up. Thankfully, I have a good support system in place, and I do what I need to take care of myself. I have coaches, mentors, colleagues, and friends, and a wonderfully supportive girlfriend. I take time to go to the gym twice a week, to spend time in nature and listening to music, and making sure I eat well.
I don't tell you that to impress you - lord knows I'm still a work in progress like all of you. I do tell you this to encourage you - especially in times when sadness and grief feel overwhelming - to take care of yourselves. Recognize that we're going through a lot as a community, and as a country. Take some time to think about what each of these people meant to you, and how you might honor them in some way.
If it feels right, spend some time at the cemetery talking to them. Share stories with their loved ones of the lessons they taught you.
Make a donation in their memory to a place they were passionate about. Write them a letter and find a quiet space and read it to them.
Ask God for their souls to be given a space at the heavenly table, and for their memories to live on as a blessing in the lives of all they touched.
And most importantly, take care of yourselves. It's easy to think that when life feels overwhelming, a bag of cookies or another TV show will solve the problems. There is of course a time and place for comfort food and binge-watching television. And yet, we each need ways to address the emotions of our lives in healthy ways.
One last thing I want to share, a lesson from one of my mentors. We are all meaning-makers, creating stories with the events of our lives.
The question is - do the stories we create serve us or harm us?
The answer I was taught is: "Nothing has meaning except the meaning I give it."
Some of you have been wondering - what's happening to our shul? How will we move forward without these giants of our community?
It's a fair question. At the same time, it's also important to remember that all of these deaths were of elders who had lived long lives and were ready to graduate to the next levels of their journeys. I'm not saying I'm not sad about their deaths - I am. What I am saying is that context is important. It is true that more people die in the wintertime than at other times of the year. It's also true that regardless of how unfair it may seem, good people die before we want them to, and we don't always understand why. It's also true that for people who've been sick a long time, death is the end of their suffering and pain.
I've found over the years that the more grounded I am, the easier I am able to handle deaths and illnesses of those I care for and work with.
The more I'm at peace with myself, the more I can accept what happens around me.
I want to encourage each of you to find ways to look after yourselves, take care of yourselves, even if means finding five minutes a day to sit quietly and listen to music or just breathe. So many people will spend time taking care of others and not themselves. You're worth it! Everyone can find five minutes at some point during the day to quiet the mind and be present to what's coming up for you. The world needs us all to take care of ourselves, so we can be strong for others.
I want to bless us all with the strength to get through this season, to honor the memories of those who gave so much to our community, and for all of us to make time to grow through whatever we need.
One way I do that is through study. Tomorrow after kiddish lunch (approximately 12:15) we'll be beginning a new adult education series at Beth Sholom. Mussar is the study of Jewish ethics, and I'm excited to bring their Path of the Mensch course to Beth Sholom. Every other week we'll meet in person to discuss character traits and how we can incorporate Jewish spiritual and ethical wisdom around them into our lives. This course is for those who want a gentle path into your soul. No Hebrew necessary. All are welcome.
However, there is a small fee of $90/person for this class, which covers materials. As always, no one will be turned away for inability to pay. Additionally, this will not be a drop-in class. As every class builds on itself, participants must commit to the full class (which will last a few months). You can miss a session when you need to - that's not a problem. New participants will be welcome tomorrow and at our second session. After that the class will be closed to others. I know this is a different model than what we're used to. I trust it will work out well for those who can take the class.
Please feel free to drop in tomorrow for a free taste of the class and introduction. We'll begin at approximately 12:15 once we've all had a chance to dine, and I promise you'll be out in plenty of time to still get a Shabbes nap. If you've been looking for a way to grow, to understand yourself more deeply, this class is for you. Contact me or just come tomorrow if you have any questions.
Finally, I hope you can join us on Monday night at 7 pm to hear from Rabbi Yoav Ende, who will be the last of our Israel series speakers.
It should be a most informative evening, and it's a treat for us to have him at Beth Sholom. Thanks to Penina and our LifeLong Jewish Learning committee for organizing the series.
Finally finally (for real this time!), I encourage each of you to recognize those other members of our community who assist behind the scenes with funerals. Herb Slovis does a masterful job of keeping the cemetery well run. Steve Ziskind also helps out, as do the other members of our cemetery committee. Rose Ross and David Moinester help coordinate the chevra kadisha, the ritual preparation and washing the body before burial. I don't honestly even know who assists them in their holy work (chevra kadisha members are meant to be anonymous). Geo helps with logistics as needed. When the funerals are at the shul, Juan has lots of extra work to do. Dillon and the High Point staff are a pleasure to work with (as was Canale's staff, when we worked with them recently). Hobie, our gravedigger, and his team certainly earn their keep as well. Cheryl helps answer questions. Susan Rossen and Rose Ross now coordinate our chesed committee's efforts. My point is - many of you thank me after funerals. I appreciate your thanks, and hope you can also give them to everyone else who helps out. I certainly couldn't do what I do without so many of you who lend a hand.
Wishing us all a Shabbat of peace. May the memories of our loved ones be for a blessing.
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Ilan
