Dear Friends,
Why is it so hard for people to apologize?
Why do we get so befuddled at the thought of admitting we've done something wrong?
Dr. Karina Schumann, a Stanford University psychologist, writes that "we are highly motivated to maintain a positive image of ourselves - an image of self-integrity, morality, and adequacy". When we apologize, our vision of our ideal self is therefore threatened, which is why so many people don't apologize for their mistakes, or if they do, offer insincere attempts to whitewash the situation, which often just compounds the situation.
Why do we do that? We don't want to look bad to ourselves. We get defensive, we justify our actions, we blame other people (and I do mean we - I'm guilty of this sometimes too). Compounding the desire to maintain our self-image is that we also don't want to appear weak in front of others. We're supposed to be strong and project confidence at all times. Apologies are for weak people who mess things up. Us confident types who are sure of ourselves - we don't need apologies!
Except of course that we all mistakes, and there are costs associated with not apologizing. When we refuse to apologize, we cause others to think that whatever the problem is is all their fault. Alternatively we become known for our inflexibility, and people go out of their way to avoid us. After all, who wants to be friends with people who take themselves so seriously that they can't recognize their own mistakes and admit their faults when necessary?
Obviously any positive trait can be taken to an extreme.
We've probably all met people with extremely low self-confidence who are always apologizing for everything, and that's almost as bad as never apologizing. I would imagine most people who are always apologizing grew up in homes where they were often told that they were the source of other people's problems.
This time of year our tradition invites us to return to center. If we are constantly apologizing, we might find more self-confidence and realize that we are as entitled to our needs as everyone else is to theirs. If we never or rarely apologize, we might ask ourselves what effect that is having upon our relationships with others. If you're unsure which end of the spectrum you're on, ask those closest to you and insist upon hearing honest answers. You might not like what you hear, but if you want to grow it's absolutely worth it.
If you hold yourself to such a high-level of perfectionism that prevents you from admitting mistakes, you might consider the wise words of William Gladstone: "no man ever became great or good except through many and great mistakes".
Recognizing that apologizing takes courage and vulnerability, Dr. Schumann encourages us to offer ourselves some self-validating remarks in advance of apologizing. We might remind ourselves that by apologizing we're showing the best of ourselves and doing our part to build and maintain solid relationships. Focusing a bit on your own self-worth might allow you to be less defensive and be open and vulnerable with those you've offended.
We know what makes a bad apology - justifying your behavior, blaming others, blaming the victim, and minimizing the consequences of your actions. I'm also not a fan of the "I'm sorry you felt x, which implies that they should apologize for their feelings instead of us apologizing for the action that provoked it.
What makes a good apology?
According to Dr. Schumann, eight things:
First, you must say the words "I'm sorry."
Second, acknowledge that you messed up and take responsibility for it.
Third, tell the person how you'll fix the situation.
Fourth, describe what happened, without blaming others.
Fifth, promise to behave better next time
Sixth, make sure the person you're apologizing to understands that you know how much you hurt or inconvenienced them
Seventh, use some version of the phrase "I was wrong."
Eighth, ask for their forgiveness.
I'd like us all to think about and practice these steps, offering apologies and practicing forgiveness as well. We're all less than perfect, we've all done things we regret. Together, we can help each other write a new chapter to the story of our lives.
To that end, I am well aware that this past year I have been significantly less than perfect at being your rabbi. I have missed meetings, I have come late, I have not returned phone calls and emails, I have forgotten your names, I have not been there when you needed me, and I've said the wrong thing or not said the right thing when I was there. I know this has caused some of you harm, and I'm sorry for all the ways I have not been as present with you as I would have liked. My apologies for all the ways I've offended you this past year - I ask for your forgiveness.
Some of you have been carrying wounds from our relationship, or from your relationship with the shul. I'd be grateful if over the next few weeks we could find time to discuss them. Perhaps we can help ourselves let go of some of the burdens of the past - if you have things along these lines to discuss, I welcome the conversation - please reach out to me and I'll do my best to find time to get together soon.
We have a lot going on this weekend and next at Beth Sholom.
Tonight is our musical service and potluck (dairy/pareve) dinner in Overton Park.
Tomorrow morning, Lee Stehle will celebrate his adult Bar-Mitzvah with us.
Sunday is the annual Kosher BBQ festival - come cheer on the Beth Sholom booth!
Next Saturday night the 24th will be Selichot, the service which helps us prepare for the holidays. We'll watch a short film or two about Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur's themes from Israeli filmmakes Hanan Harchol, and then a short selichot service will follow.
On Sunday the 25th we have our annual Tikkun Sholom event, helping us get ready for the holidays by sprucing up the building, changing Torah covers, switching prayer books, polishing silver, and more. This year we will also have the opportunity to welcome five wonderful souls into the Jewish people. They'll be finalizing their conversions that morning, and we're all invited to come hear their stories and then celebrate with them at the end of Tikkun Sholom, as they each receive their Hebrew name and have the honor of holding a Torah for the very first time. As a special bonus, we'll end with a Jewish wedding! It will be quite the morning and I hope you can join us!
Of course, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur will follow after that, and we've got a lot more in store in the weeks and months ahead.
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Ilan
