September 9th, 2016 6 Elul, 5776
Dear Friends,
In this month of Elul, the last Jewish month before we start again at Rosh Hashanah, our tradition invites us to spend time contemplating forgiveness and atonement. Many people struggle with the idea of forgiveness. I've seen relatives who don't talk to one another because someone said or did something years before. When I meet with couples to plan weddings, one of the challenges is the seating chart, since Uncle Hymie can't sit next to Aunt Helga because of whatever issue happened 20 years ago.
It makes no sense to carry these grudges, these wounds, and yet, when we're hurt by others we feel personally attacked, our ethics violated. How could they do such a thing, we wonder. Didn't they know how upset I would be? Often times, no, they actually didn't know how upset we'd be, or if they made the decision they did know and felt because of their own ethics and values that they had to make the decision they did. It may have caused them sadness too.
What gets us in trouble the most are our expectations. We spend too much time (myself included) planning, thinking, trying to control our lives so that we'll feel safe and secure, instead of building up our resiliency and courage muscles. We come up with all sorts of expectations for how others should behave when we encounter them. Sometimes, our expectations go as planned, and all seems well. Finally the world is supporting us! And yet, all too often our expectations aren't met and our inner children kick and scream and get angry at God for allowing it to happen, and others for not playing the role that we'd created for them in our heads.
As we mature, we do need to realize that living well with others means giving them the freedom to make their own choices, even if we disagree with them. It means they don't have to play the roles in our head - they should play themselves instead. This doesn't mean we can't have preferences for their decisions - rather, it means that we leave the decisions up to them (obviously this changes for children, infirm, and those who can't take care of themselves).
If we can let go of expectations, we'll find we get less angry at people and can better live in the moment. Easier said than done. If we have fewer expectations, we'll stop getting angry at people, and we'll decrease the amount of apologies we'll need to give for what we do when we get angry. (A teacher of mine says that when emotion goes up, intelligence goes down...)
But rabbi, you might ask me, my business partner stole from me, my spouse left me, my kids took away the car keys, I can't ever forgive them for that. Never ever ever ever ever, I won't! If I forgave them I'd be condoning their actions and I can't do that. They'll think what they did was okay.
My response to that is as follows:
I'm sorry that happened to you, I really am.That must have caused you a great deal of pain.
Holding on to that pain seems to be causing you a lot of pain. Might it be time to let it go for your sake? Don't forgive them for them (although if they ask, please do). Forgive them because you deserve to not be weighed down by this pain. Forgive them because you don't want to be defined by the pain you carry.
What is forgiveness?
Forgiveness, according to the Grief Recovery Institute, is giving up the hope for a better yesterday. That's it. It doesn't mean you condone what happened to you (although recognizing that other people are usually doing the best they can is also helpful). Forgiveness means you've decided that yesterday's pain is not going to define tomorrow's happiness.
My friends, who do you need to forgive?
Is now a time when you can begin to let the pain of the past go?
I know it takes courage to forgive (and also to apologize, which I hope to talk about next week).
It's easy to be defined by our responses to past situations. It's harder to decide to write a new chapter to a story we've already carved into our hearts.
And yet, that is precisely what our tradition asks of us. My teacher Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi taught that holding on to anger was like swallowing poison and expecting someone else to die. Doesn't work very well. Neither does holding on to anger and resentment.We can do better.
May we all be blessed with the courage and holy chutzpah we need to repair broken relationships, to let go of old wounds, and to commit to a future without grudges. To make room for the new, we often have to let go of what's weighing us down. May we all be able to let go of some of our anger, and build a future full of happiness and joy.
Tomorrow morning we'll celebrate our elders. We have many wonderful elders at Beth Sholom - tomorrow we're honoring our Over 80 crowd. Please join us to honor and learn from them.
Next Shabbat we'll have a musical Friday night service and potluck in Overton Park, and next Shabbat morning we'll celebrate the (adult) Bar Mitzvah of Lee Stehle. We're very much looking forward to the celebration. Lots more coming up in the next few weeks and months here at Beth Sholom!
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Ilan
