August 26th, 2016 22 Av, 5776
Dear Friends,
The call came a few months ago.
A college friend of mine left a message that he needed to speak with me.
He called again a few hours later.
I called him back as soon as I could, wondering what could possibly be so urgent for my friend who I only talk to once a month or so. He told me he was in love and getting married, and asked if I would officiate at the ceremony. I congratulated him and asked about his fiancee. He told me they'd been dating for about a year and were ready to get married. He also told me that while her stepfather is Jewish and she grew up with some Jewish identity, her mother (who speaks Hebrew) and biological father are not Jewish.
Sigh. What's a rabbi to do when a close friend asks them to officiate at an intermarriage?
I gave the matter serious thought. I know Conservative (and Reform, Reconstructionist, and Renewal) Rabbis who officiate at intermarriages, feeling that as long as the couple commits to raising Jewish children in a Jewish home, a rabbi should be present. Members of the Conservative movement's Rabbinical Assembly are expressly prohibited from officiating at intermarriages. In the old days, they were prohibited at even attending an intermarriage, even of their own family members. (Plenty of rabbis ignored that, with no consequence). Because of denominational politics, I am not a member of the Rabbinical Assembly (they don't recognize my ordination and won't let me in - their loss!). Nevertheless, my contract at Beth Sholom does prohibit me from officiating at intermarriages.
I've never officiated at an intermarriage, though I have attended a few of them.
While I don't love the idea of intermarriages, I also know that more and more of our people are having them. What's the message we give when we turn our backs on people who want their marriage to be recognized Jewishly? Why should we expect them to still join our shuls when we refuse to be a part of the most important moments in their lives? On the flip side, what's the message we give about the importance of marrying other Jews when we allow intermarriage?
Many people used to say that Jews who intermarry are turning their backs on the Jewish people. That is no longer a given assumption. Some of our most active, most delightful members of Beth Sholom are married to non-Jewish spouses, some of whom come to shul more often than many of our members do! I'm not entirely convinced that people choose who they fall in love with. For those who are single and want to be married, it's a complicated question. Can there be real love in an interfaith household? Of course. Does it bring up unique challenges? Absolutely. Should we as a Jewish community push them away when they want our help celebrating their marriage in a Jewish fashion? I'm not convinced. Does that mean rabbis should be allowed to do intermarriages? I'm not convinced of that either. This is a deeply challenging question facing the Jewish world today, with no simple answers. Some rabbis may be comfortable doing intermarriages, I'm not at this time.
I thought for a moment about ignoring the clause in my contract and doing the wedding anyway, like a number of rabbis I know. I very quickly decided against that - when I give my word, I like to keep it, and I couldn't in good conscience do that. I also suspected that I'd run into someone I knew at the wedding, or a Beth Sholom member would see a picture and then I'd be in trouble. Wasn't worth that kind of agony, and in fact the mother of the bride has a very close college friend who lives in Memphis who likely would've shared the news about the wedding with members of our community.
What did I do, you might be wondering?
I asked whether or not she had thought about conversion. She grew up going to shul, she's familiar with Hebrew and knows quite a bit about Jewish life already. I said to him that I'd be more than happy to facilitate her conversion in an expedited manner and then I'd be very happy to officiate at the wedding. That was the best I could do. They chose to find another rabbi to officiate and they asked me to come and sing the 7th blessing under the chuppah. I agreed to do that, feeling that blessings are always welcome and my presence at the wedding would be a nice way of telling them that this friend of theirs would support them in building a house together.
Do I think my attendance at their wedding legitimized their wedding and gave a rabbi stamp of approval? Honestly, I know they were going to get married whether I was there or not. While I didn't feel right officiating at the ceremony, I was perfectly comfortable attending. A logistical snafu prevented me from giving them a blessing under the chuppah, so I sat with them privately before I left and gave them a heartfelt blessing that they should have a house and a life together full of love and joy.
It is certainly possible that she'll convert somewhere down the line.
That, too, is a deeply personal decision. If she decides to do that, I'll be happy to facilitate her conversion and I'd be delighted to marry them again in a fully Jewish ceremony if they want. Otherwise, I'll just be a supportive friend for their journey ahead.
I'm sure some of you would have made different decisions about whether to go or whether to take part in the ceremony. I welcome your thoughts and you certainly don't have to make the same decisions I did. At Beth Sholom, while we don't allow intermarriages to take place in the building, we did decide to give a short blessing in English to couples who want it during our Shabbat morning service. The ritual committee talked about it a lot and we decided that a blessing in English was not the same as a traditional aufruf, and we wanted to find a way to make everyone feel as welcome as possible.
Which is to say that we'll stretch where we can, and we're clear where our boundaries are. I'm grateful for the ritual committee for their wisdom and hard work (they're now working on High Holiday preparations, of which there are many! Please thank them when you see them next).
The truth is, even since the time of the Torah there have been people who wanted to be close to the Jewish people without formal conversion. Of course in Torah times plenty of our ancestors intermarried as well - this is hardly a new phenomenon. I want everyone to feel as comfortable and welcoming within our Jewish tent. That doesn't mean there are no rules - I wouldn't call a non-Jew up for an aliyah or for any ritual function. I do, however, welcome their presence in shul and all of our programs. As the great Peter, Paul, and Mary used to sing: "All God's children have a place in the choir." A good reminder for us to find the holiness in everyone, even and especially when we have differences. May we all do what we can to make everyone feel welcome at Beth Sholom.
I'll be away this Shabbat and next week. As you read this, I'm on a plane to Rock Hill, South Carolina, an hour or so outside Charlotte. I'm part of a rabbinical group called Rabbis Without Borders, which seeks to help rabbis bring an entrepreneurial and creative spirit to the rabbinate, and they ask rabbis to donate one Shabbat per year to be with a community that doesn't have a rabbi. The community there asked them for a cool musical rabbi and apparently they think I fit that description....
Sunday morn I'll fly out to a conference outside Fresno, returning Friday morning.
In case of emergency, please feel free to call me on the pastoral line (901) 800-9636.
Otherwise, feel free to send me an email or leave me a message at shul and I'll be in touch when I return.
Have a wonderful week.
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Ilan
PS I went to go see Disgraced last Sunday and strongly encourage you to buy tickets . Very powerful play which opens up important conversations about the intersections of religion, faith, identity, nationalism, terrorism, and today's world. Please visit playhouseonthesquare.org for more information - tickets are still available for Sunday's performance, with a special talkback after the show featuring our own Rachel Shankman. (Tickets are no longer available at the Beth Sholom office - please contact the theater directly).
