Holding gratitude amidst tremendous anguish is a profound spiritual exercise. We’ve probably all had moments where something in life was hard or painful, but another moment gave us such blessing. But it’s a different thing altogether when it’s all wrapped up in one experience, in one moment. One element horribly painful, another filled with deep gratitude. I imagine this is what Leah our ancestor felt, in the moments that she had a fourth son in this week’s parsha. She had received more than she had ever expected, so she named him Yehudah (Judah), the root of which means gratitude.
And yet, she had this son with the husband that she knew didn’t love her and didn’t want to marry her in the first place. And she had this son adding to a group of brothers who would treat each other horribly. She had this son, Judah, who would end up suggesting to sell his brother into slavery. She was abundantly grateful, and I imagine she was still in constant pain.
I have been anxiously waiting for news all week about the release of hostages from Gaza. And this morning, when the first hostages were released, I had that experience of deep gratitude amidst gut-wrenching grief. Barukh Matir Asurim - Praised is the one who releases the bound. I felt an intense type of gratitude - a type that touched my soul, not something superficial - and I also immediately felt the pain. I felt the pain of what they’ve been through, and the pain of over 200 hostages remaining in Gaza. I felt the grief of the losses they’ve endured, the loss that has been inflicted on them.
And I felt a sense of blessing. This is what we’ve been praying for. Each one of these individuals have been saved. They’ve been given the opportunity to return to their lives. To return to their families. I sighed a breath of relief. But I can’t only be in that place, because it’s not enough. It's not enough until they're all home. Until they're all able to resume their lives and return to their families. I hope I have the capacity to hold the joy and the grief, the gratitude and the longing, the blessing and the hope.
Experiencing true, soul-nourishing gratitude gives us a taste of what we want in this world. We need to allow ourselves to feel gratitude because in these horrible moments, it can help propel us forward. It can help give us hope. It reminds us what we are working towards. I am abundantly grateful for the hostages returned. But we will continue to work, because this is not enough. I await the time when we can rejoice that every single hostage taken is returned to their families, where we can say about each one: Barukh Matir Asurim, Praised is the one who releases the bound.
