Ya’akov and Esav haven’t seen each other in decades. They will reunite this week in Parashat Vayishlach, and we are told that Ya’akov did three things in preparation for this complicated encounter: he prayed to God, thanking God for the kindness he had received and asking God for safety and deliverance. He prepared many gifts - hundreds of cattle to give to Esav. Finally, in defense, he divided his camp into two, such that if Esav attacked one, not all would be lost. Having done these three things, surely riddled with anxiety, Ya’akov went forward to see Esav.
Ramban (Nachmanides), the medieval commentator, writes that here there is a hint for future generations, because everything that happened to our ancestor with his brother Esav will happen to us whenever we encounter an Esav. And he writes that the clue, for us, in navigating a relationship with any Esav, is in preparing ourselves the same way that Ya’akov did: in prayer, in giving a gift, and in defending ourselves.
One of the powerful elements of Ramban’s teaching is the acknowledgement that systems and dynamics repeat themselves, and that is part of the Divinity of Torah. Ya’akov had to contend with Esav; Ya’akov had to figure out how to repair a broken relationship. Ramban asks us to read ourselves into the Bible, or rather, to see how the Bible may read into us. This isn’t a story that happened once, it’s a dynamic, a story that continues to happen in our lives. And part of its Divinity is in its timelessness. We can let the story guide us in our own lives.
When we are met with someone challenging, or when we aren’t sure how to navigate a relationship, we can take a page from Ya’akov’s playbook. Prayer, giving, defense. These tools comprise the manual, as Ramban teaches, when we encounter an Esav. Prayer is about reflection, introspection, and turning inward. Giving a gift is extending ourselves with generosity, and preparing for a defense is about protecting ourselves - both materially and emotionally.
We can each probably imagine relationships in our lives that are complex, dynamics in which we could surely benefit from a users’ manual! Ramban encourages us to imagine ourselves in this parsha. In times when we may only be inclined to prepare for defense, are there ways we could also extend generosity? In relationships that we find ourselves always giving, when may we need to protect ourselves? And in dynamics when we are sure we’ve got it right, when could we practice more prayer, more introspection?
